im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
