wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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