I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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