one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
