Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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