I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize