I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
