What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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