Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
