I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
