you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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