forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
