The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
