He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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