I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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