You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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