he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
