Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
