I'm gonna have a badass scar
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
