he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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