ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
