Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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