fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
