Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
