i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
