Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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