I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
