i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
