Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
