Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
