Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
