I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
