i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
