I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
