Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
