loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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