i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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