it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
