the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
