She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i love accidental penises.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
