In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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