Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
