Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
