I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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