Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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