think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
