Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
