My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
