And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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