woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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