My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
