Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
