yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
