i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night