i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way