Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i may or may not be watching the land before time
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
