Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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