do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
